Working Woman for Satan

I was reading this other random blog called "College Girl for Christ". It was, obviously, by a college student who is a born-again Christian. She's pretty much my opposite and her positive attitude kind of makes my cynical, sarcastic, constantly-bitching-about-everything personality look pretty sucky. A couple of her posts have been a bit more negative, but then in her last one, her college room mate has moved out. Her room-mate sounds like she could be me:

She was messy, I was neat. She was a night person, I wasn't. I'm a Christian, she's an 'everything'. And we basically crashed. She let her boyfriend and friends use my stuff and left me with nothing to drink during finals week. And so I let her know in no uncertain terms that you just don't do that. I agree that we are roommates and things are shared...but she never let me know. She never said, "Hey, Steph. I let Taylor have a Cherry Coke." No. She tried to hide it.

A lot of the time when I read the thoughts of Christians like this girl their delusion becomes attractive to me. It seems like if I gave in and somehow believed in what they do, I could have a sunshine-lollipops-and-rainbow sort of life, where moral decisions are simple & dichromatic and where I'm expected to strive everyday for the powers of goodness and morality. So ... like.. everything I'm not. The earlier posts of hers talks about some people she'd just met in Bible study and how much she "loves" them already. I hate everyone, including myself. I don't hate the Palex, but if the only person I don't hate is a 2 year-old, I don't know if that counts.

I think that the christian belief would bring somewhat of a comfort to me, in that I could believe in Divine Justice even when there is seemingly little on earth. It's frustrating and depressing to think that shit happens to good people for no reason, and arseholes have awesome lives with no accountability. They talk about the changes Jesus makes in their lives. Well I'm dying for some change. If talking to an imaginary friend can do that, I'm tempted to sign up.

Could it be that I'm being called to Christ? Bah. There's a fantastic article^[1] on the psychology of this on exChristian.net by John Blatt that hits on the head exactly why I feel this way:

Evangelization, generally speaking, is psychological warfare of the mind. It is designed to confuse your current non-belief with a powerful, authoritative message of tremendous weight - eternity. Those who are in a weakened emotional or psychological state (from some inner turmoil, external stress, or even being lonely or homesick) are much easier prey to this psychological bombardment, and when it is masked with the guise of spirituality it becomes a serious burden to the Self.

When one undergoes the "born-again" experience and feels like a different person (and psychologically is) this is the mind succumbing to the psychological warfare and tremendous emotions of relief are felt and "renewal of soul" are felt because that burden, in a sense, falls through the mind of the person and is now free from it by being taken over by it.

When I read this it all made sense. I really do feel like there's a battle in my mind between logic and the desire to be released from guilt and fear. To give in would be a great relief, and my brain feels battle fatigue quite often. Unlike Catholicism, Born-Agains use guilt and fear in a way that makes their belief look like a refuge. Catholicism, or at least, the catholicism I knew, felt more like having a gun to my head, where as this newer kind of Christianity is more like the chance to win a holiday or 1 of 50 Myers vouchers.

The Amish are the Christians I'd most want to join. I don't know if they count as born-again, though they are Anabaptists (baptism is a choice for them made after teenagers experience freedom in the outside world, and are given the option of leaving the fold to live out there). Their simple way of life is arranged around keeping the family together - they farm so that fathers will still be at home too, even as they work. I do yearn for a life less complicated than this where my direction and purpose are easily mapped out before me. I don't aspire to fame or success, because I don't see how those things would make me happy. I don't care if I'm remembered when I die because I won't be around then anyway.

Although, I wonder if I wouldn't yearn for adventure. I do wish I could go off adventuring tomorrow, but I always thought that was to do with my dissatisfaction with life how it is.

However, I am well aware that no one is a Christian in deed but in belief. While the same old thought processes from days of being a Hell-fearing Catholic still go on in my brain, there's still some territory in my brain that hasn't been annexed yet, a part that sees Christianity as nice idea (except for all the OT smiting and the firey vengeance of the Last Days) but not a reality or a truth in itself.

Maybe it's just a long time since I've had an adventure or done something new. Maybe I need to go travelling to remind me that the world isn't as small as it feels right now.

Interesting reading:

1. The full article that I quoted, called "Why Atheistic Arguments Cannot Work Against Christian Fundamentalism": Why Atheistic Arguments Cannot Work Against Christian Fundamentalism - ExChristian.Net - Articles

That article was posted on the web by this guy: myspace.com/psychicevolution whose myspace blog is full of interesting articles on similar subject matter, that is worth having a look through.
If you want to discuss this article, I suggest going to the Why Won't God Heal Amputees.com forum topic on it