I miss her
One of my best mates ever, Alex, went overseas about a year and a half ago. We've been mates since Year 8. We've spent entire weeks in the summer holidays just going around doing our usual summer holiday stuff together. We'd spend months apart. Either way, nothing much changed.
Anyway, she has a FagSpace (fuck, I just realised how many times FagSpace gets mentioned and linked to in my blog... I'm supporting the whore), and recently she put some of her songs up. See, she went to Canada, then Europe and is currently in Ireland for her singing career. Hearing her voice is weird... it still sounds so familiar but it's made me remember a lot. It's made me feel really sad about the fact I'll probably never see her again.
No, I don't give a shit at all about how soppy this crap sounds. I really don't. Maybe sometimes I'm allowed to stop ranting about the fucking bourgeois, or making lame jokes about petty petty things. Maybe sometimes I am a person and not a caricature of myself. Oh fuck, now I'm just another emo blogging cunt. So much for the caricature thing. Shit.
I don't think I have any of the same level of friendship as I used to have with people like Alex. It wasn't just her. It was a few people. And this is just making me remember the past and realise what I've fucked up. So many people have moved on to bigger and better adventures, or just don't know me anymore. When I say "I miss her", it's really a whole collection of random people I miss, male and female.
In fact, it's more the old me and my old life that I miss. Not that other people don't matter to me, but if I'm to be honest about what it is that makes me miss them, it's not really their voice, or their jokes or whatever, but the things I did with them and the person I was with them. Having people who are important to you and to whom you are equally important. Knowing that people would notice in less than a day if you'd died in your attic. When losing your phone for 3 days leaves you with more than 2 missed calls and 1 SMS.
Free drugs.
OK just kidding about the drugs. But that is a perk too.
I think that's why I'm a really fucking nasty bitter misanthropic shithead now. I'm not that close to people anymore. I don't speak to people for weeks. A couple of people I would say I was as close to as with Alex these days make me feel sort of annoyed when they talk about trivial things and I get pissed off if they ask questions about my private life. Some people I stopped talking to when I was at Ryde in my little year-long drughole - boy do I know now how much happens in just one year. To their credit, a few of them made a fair effort to keep me as a friend, but it's pretty frustrating to do so when the other person is oblivious and completely unappreciative. They all might still be in the country, but they're worlds away from me nonetheless.
It's supposed to be some shame to admit you have regrets. Fuck that. I have regrets. If I could go back 5 years, change everything that's happened but have no memory of my alternate future, I'd do it in a heart beat.
Well, this is awkward.
Um... ah... I hate... traffic lights... or something...
1 comment:
man, there must be a weird vibe in the house at the moment.. go read my blog *pimp pimp pimp*
i have a lot of people who have fallen by the wayside for a lot of similar reasons. others got sick of me sitting at home smoking pot and not coming out (remember thats a good 7 years of my life right there, thats the one i'd be changing) others still really werent in it to begin with, and were using me for my 1337 computer skills, or becuase our social interractions were based around a long gone place and time (like the people i did work at marion st theatre with. truely wonderful people, but once the show was done and the after party over, that was it) some i want back in my life dearly, most i know i can never have because that time and place is over, and what we related with and through has evaporated.
my problem is that i cant bear to face what i was then vs what i am now. it guess it should be a really positive thing to be able to say "hey guys! im back! i fucked you all off i know, but here i am now!" but sometimes old impressions are the hardest things to overcome, especially when you're feeling as generic as i know i am right now. you are not your music, you are not your missed calls, you are not your blogger. you have a lot of people around you who love you (though you may not see it so clearly because all you do is bitch about them, and often that is exactly why they love you) someone who has entered your world as a relative newcomer, like myself, can (i think i had met/seen you about 6 times over a year before i moved in?) and i think you'll find the only reason they dont call is because they too are so absorbed in their own little worlds (however good, or bad, those worlds are) to realise what they themselves have lost, as you at least can. or they are simply dont get that we work weird hours, and get over trying to call us.
people come, people go. you, hell, we all have a lot of years ahead of us, as far as i can tell we are all still in this wierd transition between highschool drug hoover and functional person, you just gotta give it time for that to change over.
"well i guess this is growing up!!! duhh-duh duhhh-duh dah dah! duhh-duh duhhh-duh dah dah!"
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