Killing Myself Softly...

... with this intestinal cleansing fast.

What is it? 10 days fast on a special mixture to flush out the bowels. No food.

Why? Everyone at work is doing it. Well, they were... now it's just two of us. Anyway, the challenge intrigues me, I'd like to see how long I can go without solid food ("but I love solids!" ).

Also, I've become obsessed with calendars, such as the Mayan calendar, and want to create my own calendar cycle with my own festivities. Catholics have Lent, Muslims have Ramadan, Jews have Yom Kippur, Hindus have... lots of them.... I could have my own 10 day annual bowel cleansing festival.

How? Just a breakfast of salty water, followed by 2.5 L throughout the day of a strange lemon juice - maple syrup drink, topped off with a herbal laxative at night. I've added my own twist with some Mylanta (mmmmm... fibre...) and Centrum multivitamins.

Where? Where? What sort of question is that? In my abdomen, that's where.

Last night I had the herbal laxative. It was just a teaspoon of herbs washed down with water. I nearly threw up. This morning I had the salt water flush. It was luke warm. I nearly threw up.

Then I took Apple Passionfruit juice to work instead of the mix by accident because they were kept in identical bottles. I didn't notice the difference because I hate apple juice and I've never drunk Apple Passionfruit juice.

So I sat there like a dork saying how nice the mix is, and how the lemon tastes stronger than the maple syrup, which I couldn't taste at all, and how the cayenne pepper wasn't spicy at all. Then Jones rang asking where his apple juice had gone and it clicked.

IDIOT. Oh well, KFC mashies for lunch for me I guess. Cleansing fast starts tomorrow.

Apathy ==> Antipathy

I nearly cried at work yesterday. Why? Because I used the word "action" as a verb. The corporate zombies are eating my brain.

I've discovered that if you say something enough times it becomes true, even if it starts off as a joke. Like "I hate everyone" and "I don't care what people think of me" and "deep down inside, everyone around me is a soulless douche". There is not a single human being in sight, especially not one that I don't want to do grievous bodily harm to. I can't talk to people. They talk bullshit. It's all gibberish to me. It's just random sentences, most of them quotes from something or in-jokes that make no sense to all but 3 other people. There's no topic of conversation anymore. It's all just an asinine attempt at being post-modern. I can't stand it.

But that used to me, right? I used to speak incoherently about nothing and everything and giggle constantly while doing it. Right? Look at those sentences! Incoherently! Asinine! What are these fucking words? This is why there is no conversation! These words are from non-fiction novels by evolutionary biologists commenting on religion in the modern world, they're not things you actually say or think in your head! No one talks to text books. No one even looks at them. They just pretend to flick through them when they feel obligated.

Let's just think logically about this. Is it really that everyone else has slowly become intolerable, and that somehow I'm the only sane person left? Is anyone really doing or saying anything different to before? Who is it here that is being anti-social? Show me who is causing this calamity, I'll bash the living shit out of them...

Is this maybe... my fault? =gasp=

Choices and consequences. Choices. Consequences. First you make a choice. Then there are consequences. Choice. Then consequence.
Oh. I see it now. Oops.

How do I undo it? Where's the rewind button? Cntrl + Z... cntrl + Z!! CNTRL + Z!! Fuck. It's not working. It's irreversible. I'm stuck with it. Arg.

So this is what the word "alienation" means.