It was the best of oatmeals...

... it was the worst of oatmeals.

I still get occassional moments of inward panic as I forget why I get out of bed in the morning, and search unsuccesfully for something to look forward to. Wait, no, panic sounds too interesting. It's more like a hollow, despairing feeling that nothing but boredom and disappointment stretches out before me endlessly.

I'm slowly realising I'm not alone. It's very unexpected that so many people would seem to have a mid-life crisis in their early 20s but that's what seems to be happening now.

But then I get these weird periods of euphoria, these zen moments, a feeling of neither particular excitement nor dread, just content with the bubble of reality I occupy at that moment. It's not really nirvana or anything, but it is a weird detached acceptance of the universe that buddhism talks about.

Sometimes I get it when I think about religion and spirituality, even if I think about gasp vomit christianity. Could I be bipolar? I do associate christianity with bipolar disorder for some reason. Every second ex-Christian deconvert on the atheist forums seems to have had it or has christian family members who are bipolar. I have sent away for some free booklets on Who Is The Antichrist? and12 keys to Answered Prayer. I struggle to justify why. I'm not trying to convert or understand it anymore, I just wanted the literature. I think that it's a symptom.

Also, what does it mean that I usually feel this way on the bus home? I get travel sickness if I read or play DS, so it's the one time of the day I can force myself to sit down, shut up and just stare out a window. Perhaps that's it. It's my meditation time. The worse the traffic, the closer to the Buddha within I creep.

Here's a tip for enduring public transport. If you manage to get a seat, it's fun when looking out the window to imagine that your eyes can shoot laser beams and cut trees in half as you whoosh past. Sometimes an unfortunate car gets in the way, however, and some poor family or businessman is seared in half. Oh well.