paranoia paranoia

I'm way too paranoid. I wonder if there's anything I can do about it. Like a lobotomy or something.

I feel okay today, but on other days and particularly at night, I feel very alone and a bit depressed, but most of all, I feel scared of nothing. My brain likes to generate worst case scenarios and disasters just to make things better. Worst of all is a pervasive feeling of impending doom, like being cursed or hunted down by something evil. At these times, I'm convinced that I'm destined for a horrible end, and then possibly an eternity of torment in the afterlife. And I'm supposed to be a freaking atheist.

This stalker creep isn't helping. In fact, everything is causing an overreaction of emotions from e me. I watched the 2nd Ghost in the Shell movie, and couldn't sleep that night until about 3am. The shadows that the trees make on my curtains look like evil faces. One night, there was this giant grinning evil face, and even Michael could see it too.

I'm like a little kid. Everything scares me.

The other night I was out to dinner and I felt all fine. I was talking to everyone there and doing well at pretending to be sort of normal. We went to a Vietnamese Vegetarian restaurant, whose entire menu is made out of meat substitutes, like mock lobster. Perhaps the soy-induced overdose of oestrogen stressed me out, because afterwards I got really angsty. I got on a train home, and suddenly my brain started thinking about children in third world countries dying in gutters and bullshit like that. Crazy images just tore through me, and I couldn't stop them. It felt horrible. I got home and watched Rage until Mikey came home - via the back door, which scared the shit out of me, because the backdoor is right next to the TV.

I'm going to avoid alcohol and drugs for as long as I can, as per my New Years resolutions (that had to be reset after the first week of January). Maybe that will help. I haven't been doing enough lately to really justify my random bouts of paranoia and depression, but who knows. Comedowns are obviously the times I'm most susceptible to these stupid moods. However, it is an irrational fear, and while I rationally don't believe in supernatural psychic powers, part of me worries that this is all a premonition of something horrible that will really happen.

I'll just have to wait and see. If I'm going to die young and painfully, then I'd like to spend my last days not flipping out and worrying over nothing.