Surely it's too late now to rant on about APEC.

No, it's never too late to rant. While I'm at it, I might share my thoughts on how stupid it is for newspapers to actually write articles on the Prime Minister falling over on wet tiles. Or maybe I already have... meh...

Yeah. So. APEC was shit. It was so shit, in fact, that I don't care that there's probably as many blog entries on the net right now about APEC as there are crappy Mac vs PC ad parodies on YouTube.

I am glad I didn't end up going into town for the protests. I mean, there were snipers on the roofs. Fucking snipers. Men with long-range weaponry, with scopes and shit, highly trained in the art of killing people. People with better guns and better skills than Lee Harvey Oswald probably. Not that Lee Harvey Oswald ever tried out his skills.... or did he? Point is, I don't care who they're trained by or what uniform they're wearing. I'm not comfortable walking around in range of a SR98. The military don't seem to like private school turned lefty pinko scum like me. Best not to tempt them.

Oh yeah and it cost a lot. And no one really seemed to want it. Well, no one that wasn't in it. Like all of Sydney who had their week fucking re-arranged for a big bourgeoisie wankfest. Or even business owners who had to dish out extra time to employees on the Friday or just suffer lost business. And then there were proles like me who ended up working anyway, and only at time & a half. I've said it numerous times since last week, but that means that everyone else at work that got a bludgey day-off, while I only got half a day's extra pay.

Shit, I always have to work on public holidays that mean something to me, but nothing to the people who get the day off. Like the time I was rostered on for 10 hours at the call centre on May Day. May Day being significant for commemorating the struggle for the 8 hour working day, for which a few people actually died. Fucking rainbows and lollipops and baby birds chirping all round.

I did like that the guy who was behind painting "No War" on the Opera House organised for a mass mooning of the convoys. People always bitch about direct action being too violent and disruptive. The same people who wouldn't notice these things unless Channell asiNine news reported about the violence of protesters. Well this guy seems to know how to bring attention to a cause without violence. Still not good enough for people though. Showing your arse may not hurt anyone or any property, but it's "indecent" and "crude". Trespassing into the Opera House is also not on, graffiti is bad because it changes the appearance of property you don't own but have to pay for and look at, and nowadays you'd probably be taken out by a sniper before getting up there.

The best non-violent protest of all was of course The Chaser's expedition into the Red Zone. They didn't even intend to get that far. Never underestimate the lacodaisical ignorance of police. If you're not coloured, wearing Adidas or driving a Nissan Skyliner, of course they don't care. The cops at Burwood station seem to pay more attention to detail to me and my boyfriend passing through on invalid tickets than they do to a convoy that looks important enough. But again, despite being harmless, cut short by the pranksters themselves and a lot better than real terrorists getting that far in, people reckon they should go to gaol. For what? Who's ever gone to gaol for doing what the police sanction? If a cop tells you it's okay, aren't you supposed to follow without question? I think they were just being good citizens.

Most of all, APEC sucks because it's about, as apecsec.org.sg puts it, promoting "liberal trade & economic policies" while invoking oppressive police powers and new "anti-terrorism" practices, and collecting together some of the most un-liberal world leaders when it comes to social policies and personal issues... like gay marriage, the war on drugs, immigration, y'know, stuff to do with the daily life of us little people. A bit unbalanced isn't it?

Okay I'm spent. Dear diary, see you in another 6 months. Love, spider.




WTF? --->
Chaser Team Charged - Sydney Morning Herald, September 6, 2007
Wiki...wiki... wikipedia entry on APEC

Apathy ==> Antipathy

I nearly cried at work yesterday. Why? Because I used the word "action" as a verb. The corporate zombies are eating my brain.

I've discovered that if you say something enough times it becomes true, even if it starts off as a joke. Like "I hate everyone" and "I don't care what people think of me" and "deep down inside, everyone around me is a soulless douche". There is not a single human being in sight, especially not one that I don't want to do grievous bodily harm to. I can't talk to people. They talk bullshit. It's all gibberish to me. It's just random sentences, most of them quotes from something or in-jokes that make no sense to all but 3 other people. There's no topic of conversation anymore. It's all just an asinine attempt at being post-modern. I can't stand it.

But that used to me, right? I used to speak incoherently about nothing and everything and giggle constantly while doing it. Right? Look at those sentences! Incoherently! Asinine! What are these fucking words? This is why there is no conversation! These words are from non-fiction novels by evolutionary biologists commenting on religion in the modern world, they're not things you actually say or think in your head! No one talks to text books. No one even looks at them. They just pretend to flick through them when they feel obligated.

Let's just think logically about this. Is it really that everyone else has slowly become intolerable, and that somehow I'm the only sane person left? Is anyone really doing or saying anything different to before? Who is it here that is being anti-social? Show me who is causing this calamity, I'll bash the living shit out of them...

Is this maybe... my fault? =gasp=

Choices and consequences. Choices. Consequences. First you make a choice. Then there are consequences. Choice. Then consequence.
Oh. I see it now. Oops.

How do I undo it? Where's the rewind button? Cntrl + Z... cntrl + Z!! CNTRL + Z!! Fuck. It's not working. It's irreversible. I'm stuck with it. Arg.

So this is what the word "alienation" means.

FUCKING TRAITORS (i hate humans and most animals)

There's two super ex-best friends that will be hung up on Monday if they call me. They don't know I have a blog, so this is largely a pointless rant, but aren't they all? Yeah, they're so barred. Sick of unreliable people. To anyone that's ever put up with my constant unreliability as a friend: you're pathetic, you shouldn't put up with it.
Oh wait.. you don't... okay so that explains a few things.

**processing thoughts** Perhaps... call me crazy if I sound like it... but cutting out more friends would be a ... bad decision? I seem to have painted myself into a corner, socially. By that stupid metaphor, I mean I've systematically become detached from everyone and lost all confidence to talk to anyone but my increasingly small inner cadre.

I have thought of ways to be less obnoxious and enjoy social interaction more, such as a brain injury or lobotomy. However, if I think about it closely enough, douchebags only like douchey things so trying to be less douchey is actually self-defeating. And I'm convinced now that EVERYONE is douchebags.

Don't correct my fucking grammar while I'm talking. Sit the fuck down.

My New Year's resolution to quit all drugs and alcohol for a year is the worst decision of my life. Scratch that, that's just melodramatic hyperbole. I WISH it was the worst decision of my life - ha!
But it's not going well in any sense but that I've only broken it once... since January 5th. I will stick to it, because it is only for a year, and it may be one of those things that you need to ride out to get to the good part. However, next year, my resolution will be to spend as many waking hours high. Seeing as I prefer teh amphetaminez, there'll be plenty of waking hours.

Hmmm... I've quit smoking for such a long time that I didn't put smoking into my list of things not to do. I mean I couldn't ban all substances. I need antihistamines for my hay fever and panadol for stress headaches. So I never mentioned nicotine or smoking. **eyes light up** I always make friends with cigarettes!

What the fuck are these entries? I don't know. It's not on myspace, this blog gets next to no traffic, pfft. I don't care anymore. Shame that my new found candour hasn't really improved the quality of my blog.

Anyway, back to the point. Bridget and Lisa, you're not my friends any more. I won't invite you to any of my parties, you're fired, you can't get into the club house any more. I'll change the secret super best friends hand shake just to make sure. It's just me and Rammsteinn in my club now.

Suck eggs, gaylords.

D.B. Himmersbach is not a man to make idle threats.

Why does it seem that everyone else is crazy but me?

My work laptop screen is cracked so long time no post. I've discovered that doing my work instead of posting on forums does not actually get work done before quitting time. It actually creates more work.

My boss has cut my bonus in half for not uploading an order because there was already an order in there under the same name (I thought it was that order). He tried to console me with "hey, out of like 80 orders you've only screwed up one". So I said something like "well, maybe we shouldn't bring that up seeing as it's much more than 1/80th of my bonus that you're cutting". He didn't seem none too impressed. Started to back off when I began ranting about unpaid overtime.

Gary, one of the blind guys at Pizza Hut call center once bitched about the union to me. He said he could negotiate a better agreement on his own, because he could drop parts of the agreements he didn't need to get other things he really wanted. I can now say from personal experience that Gary don't know shit about what he's talking about. With no bargaining power, they'll get rid of those "superfluous" bits alright, but they won't give you anything in return. I never really needed the union to intercede before, but suddenly in a unionless workplace, I do need them. It's very hard to protect both your job AND your interests when you have to go into bat for yourself. Not to mention the fact that I can't find my copy of my contract, and my requests to be given a copy have been ignored, so having someone who can inform me of my actual rights would be better than me just cowering away, assuming the worst.

If Blind Gary was here right now as I think about this, I'd punch him until he bled. I don't care if he's blind. I'll put a bell on my wrist so he can hear it coming. I'd punch him repeatedly. It's what I'd do for anyone else, so I guess it's part of having an Equal Opportunity attitude. His poor little guide dog would probably be cheering and egging me on anyway.

If everyone else is crazy, I thought I might just jump on the bangwagon and take up an evening position that work is offering, 5 - 8.30pm Mon - Fri for a few months for extra cash. It better be good cash, considering how the tax rate is going to jump.

Wow, yet another post entirely about work. FUCK. That makes me angry.

Gee, I wonder why. Maybe because my life has become incredibly boring, lonely and uneventful. Whatever, fuck people.

Oh, and the title of this post? That's just what I heard on the TV just now, as I sit at home on a Saturday night because I have no fucking money left to go out.

I miss her

One of my best mates ever, Alex, went overseas about a year and a half ago. We've been mates since Year 8. We've spent entire weeks in the summer holidays just going around doing our usual summer holiday stuff together. We'd spend months apart. Either way, nothing much changed.

Anyway, she has a FagSpace (fuck, I just realised how many times FagSpace gets mentioned and linked to in my blog... I'm supporting the whore), and recently she put some of her songs up. See, she went to Canada, then Europe and is currently in Ireland for her singing career. Hearing her voice is weird... it still sounds so familiar but it's made me remember a lot. It's made me feel really sad about the fact I'll probably never see her again.

No, I don't give a shit at all about how soppy this crap sounds. I really don't. Maybe sometimes I'm allowed to stop ranting about the fucking bourgeois, or making lame jokes about petty petty things. Maybe sometimes I am a person and not a caricature of myself. Oh fuck, now I'm just another emo blogging cunt. So much for the caricature thing. Shit.

I don't think I have any of the same level of friendship as I used to have with people like Alex. It wasn't just her. It was a few people. And this is just making me remember the past and realise what I've fucked up. So many people have moved on to bigger and better adventures, or just don't know me anymore. When I say "I miss her", it's really a whole collection of random people I miss, male and female.

In fact, it's more the old me and my old life that I miss. Not that other people don't matter to me, but if I'm to be honest about what it is that makes me miss them, it's not really their voice, or their jokes or whatever, but the things I did with them and the person I was with them. Having people who are important to you and to whom you are equally important. Knowing that people would notice in less than a day if you'd died in your attic. When losing your phone for 3 days leaves you with more than 2 missed calls and 1 SMS.
Free drugs.

OK just kidding about the drugs. But that is a perk too.

I think that's why I'm a really fucking nasty bitter misanthropic shithead now. I'm not that close to people anymore. I don't speak to people for weeks. A couple of people I would say I was as close to as with Alex these days make me feel sort of annoyed when they talk about trivial things and I get pissed off if they ask questions about my private life. Some people I stopped talking to when I was at Ryde in my little year-long drughole - boy do I know now how much happens in just one year. To their credit, a few of them made a fair effort to keep me as a friend, but it's pretty frustrating to do so when the other person is oblivious and completely unappreciative. They all might still be in the country, but they're worlds away from me nonetheless.

It's supposed to be some shame to admit you have regrets. Fuck that. I have regrets. If I could go back 5 years, change everything that's happened but have no memory of my alternate future, I'd do it in a heart beat.



Well, this is awkward.

Um... ah... I hate... traffic lights... or something...

Yes I feel like shit today, as predicted

My mouth tastes like carpet cleaner.

Everyone says I look really tired. Probably because I had two and a half hours sleep.

Right now, I value sleep higher than the interweb. Almost.

paranoia paranoia

I'm way too paranoid. I wonder if there's anything I can do about it. Like a lobotomy or something.

I feel okay today, but on other days and particularly at night, I feel very alone and a bit depressed, but most of all, I feel scared of nothing. My brain likes to generate worst case scenarios and disasters just to make things better. Worst of all is a pervasive feeling of impending doom, like being cursed or hunted down by something evil. At these times, I'm convinced that I'm destined for a horrible end, and then possibly an eternity of torment in the afterlife. And I'm supposed to be a freaking atheist.

This stalker creep isn't helping. In fact, everything is causing an overreaction of emotions from e me. I watched the 2nd Ghost in the Shell movie, and couldn't sleep that night until about 3am. The shadows that the trees make on my curtains look like evil faces. One night, there was this giant grinning evil face, and even Michael could see it too.

I'm like a little kid. Everything scares me.

The other night I was out to dinner and I felt all fine. I was talking to everyone there and doing well at pretending to be sort of normal. We went to a Vietnamese Vegetarian restaurant, whose entire menu is made out of meat substitutes, like mock lobster. Perhaps the soy-induced overdose of oestrogen stressed me out, because afterwards I got really angsty. I got on a train home, and suddenly my brain started thinking about children in third world countries dying in gutters and bullshit like that. Crazy images just tore through me, and I couldn't stop them. It felt horrible. I got home and watched Rage until Mikey came home - via the back door, which scared the shit out of me, because the backdoor is right next to the TV.

I'm going to avoid alcohol and drugs for as long as I can, as per my New Years resolutions (that had to be reset after the first week of January). Maybe that will help. I haven't been doing enough lately to really justify my random bouts of paranoia and depression, but who knows. Comedowns are obviously the times I'm most susceptible to these stupid moods. However, it is an irrational fear, and while I rationally don't believe in supernatural psychic powers, part of me worries that this is all a premonition of something horrible that will really happen.

I'll just have to wait and see. If I'm going to die young and painfully, then I'd like to spend my last days not flipping out and worrying over nothing.

Judgement Day Approacheth

I'll have to go back to work tomorrow.

I'm pretty sure I'll be sick, but still I have to go. It's a horrible feeling. I really hate my job - incredibly moreso than any other job I've ever had.

My resignation letter - yet to be handed in - states that I need more time with my son and that my heart just isn't in it anymore. I guess that's true. Mind you, my heart has and never will be in computer hardware sales, and I'd shoot myself before I'd ever let that change. As for more time with my son - a couple of months off will be fun, but a decent job would still give me more time with Palex because all this excessive overtime could be avoided. However, I fear that any job has the potential to be as bad as this. This job did start off quite well, after all.

The decision that I've been lingering on for a couple of months was clinched when I made a customer cry because her order wasn't going to come before Christmas. She was a nice pleasant-sounding lady, who was quite courteous to me, and then she started sobbing about the drought and how hard it was. I sat through it calmly, then logged out my phone, and strolled into the bathroom to have a nervous breakdown on the cold floor tiles. My team leader asked me what was wrong and melodramatically all I could sop out was "I ruined Christmas".

How ridiculous! I even bought a scratchie, promising myself that if I won $25,000, I'd mail it to the lady anonymously in order to quell my conscience. I would've done it too! Imagine how I'd feel now, knowing I'd cheated us all out of that money just because I felt bad for someone I've never met.

It was entirely my fault, but then again, I hate being put in the position to have that affect on innocent strangers for something I don't have any personal interest in other than my wages.

Dole bludgers aren't stupid. They just know they can't get any job except something that will make them miserable. If I could get away with dole bludging and still pay the rent I'd do it - sucks to all you tax-payers! What could be better about living in a rich priveleged country like this? Only boring mindless sheep haven't nothing more to do with their lives than work - I could easily find a million things to occupy my time, and be much more fulfilled in my life.
But then again, I'd have to live in Penrith to afford it - a million miles away from anyone I know.