Killing Myself Softly...

... with this intestinal cleansing fast.

What is it? 10 days fast on a special mixture to flush out the bowels. No food.

Why? Everyone at work is doing it. Well, they were... now it's just two of us. Anyway, the challenge intrigues me, I'd like to see how long I can go without solid food ("but I love solids!" ).

Also, I've become obsessed with calendars, such as the Mayan calendar, and want to create my own calendar cycle with my own festivities. Catholics have Lent, Muslims have Ramadan, Jews have Yom Kippur, Hindus have... lots of them.... I could have my own 10 day annual bowel cleansing festival.

How? Just a breakfast of salty water, followed by 2.5 L throughout the day of a strange lemon juice - maple syrup drink, topped off with a herbal laxative at night. I've added my own twist with some Mylanta (mmmmm... fibre...) and Centrum multivitamins.

Where? Where? What sort of question is that? In my abdomen, that's where.

Last night I had the herbal laxative. It was just a teaspoon of herbs washed down with water. I nearly threw up. This morning I had the salt water flush. It was luke warm. I nearly threw up.

Then I took Apple Passionfruit juice to work instead of the mix by accident because they were kept in identical bottles. I didn't notice the difference because I hate apple juice and I've never drunk Apple Passionfruit juice.

So I sat there like a dork saying how nice the mix is, and how the lemon tastes stronger than the maple syrup, which I couldn't taste at all, and how the cayenne pepper wasn't spicy at all. Then Jones rang asking where his apple juice had gone and it clicked.

IDIOT. Oh well, KFC mashies for lunch for me I guess. Cleansing fast starts tomorrow.

FUCKING TRAITORS (i hate humans and most animals)

There's two super ex-best friends that will be hung up on Monday if they call me. They don't know I have a blog, so this is largely a pointless rant, but aren't they all? Yeah, they're so barred. Sick of unreliable people. To anyone that's ever put up with my constant unreliability as a friend: you're pathetic, you shouldn't put up with it.
Oh wait.. you don't... okay so that explains a few things.

**processing thoughts** Perhaps... call me crazy if I sound like it... but cutting out more friends would be a ... bad decision? I seem to have painted myself into a corner, socially. By that stupid metaphor, I mean I've systematically become detached from everyone and lost all confidence to talk to anyone but my increasingly small inner cadre.

I have thought of ways to be less obnoxious and enjoy social interaction more, such as a brain injury or lobotomy. However, if I think about it closely enough, douchebags only like douchey things so trying to be less douchey is actually self-defeating. And I'm convinced now that EVERYONE is douchebags.

Don't correct my fucking grammar while I'm talking. Sit the fuck down.

My New Year's resolution to quit all drugs and alcohol for a year is the worst decision of my life. Scratch that, that's just melodramatic hyperbole. I WISH it was the worst decision of my life - ha!
But it's not going well in any sense but that I've only broken it once... since January 5th. I will stick to it, because it is only for a year, and it may be one of those things that you need to ride out to get to the good part. However, next year, my resolution will be to spend as many waking hours high. Seeing as I prefer teh amphetaminez, there'll be plenty of waking hours.

Hmmm... I've quit smoking for such a long time that I didn't put smoking into my list of things not to do. I mean I couldn't ban all substances. I need antihistamines for my hay fever and panadol for stress headaches. So I never mentioned nicotine or smoking. **eyes light up** I always make friends with cigarettes!

What the fuck are these entries? I don't know. It's not on myspace, this blog gets next to no traffic, pfft. I don't care anymore. Shame that my new found candour hasn't really improved the quality of my blog.

Anyway, back to the point. Bridget and Lisa, you're not my friends any more. I won't invite you to any of my parties, you're fired, you can't get into the club house any more. I'll change the secret super best friends hand shake just to make sure. It's just me and Rammsteinn in my club now.

Suck eggs, gaylords.

D.B. Himmersbach is not a man to make idle threats.

Why does it seem that everyone else is crazy but me?

My work laptop screen is cracked so long time no post. I've discovered that doing my work instead of posting on forums does not actually get work done before quitting time. It actually creates more work.

My boss has cut my bonus in half for not uploading an order because there was already an order in there under the same name (I thought it was that order). He tried to console me with "hey, out of like 80 orders you've only screwed up one". So I said something like "well, maybe we shouldn't bring that up seeing as it's much more than 1/80th of my bonus that you're cutting". He didn't seem none too impressed. Started to back off when I began ranting about unpaid overtime.

Gary, one of the blind guys at Pizza Hut call center once bitched about the union to me. He said he could negotiate a better agreement on his own, because he could drop parts of the agreements he didn't need to get other things he really wanted. I can now say from personal experience that Gary don't know shit about what he's talking about. With no bargaining power, they'll get rid of those "superfluous" bits alright, but they won't give you anything in return. I never really needed the union to intercede before, but suddenly in a unionless workplace, I do need them. It's very hard to protect both your job AND your interests when you have to go into bat for yourself. Not to mention the fact that I can't find my copy of my contract, and my requests to be given a copy have been ignored, so having someone who can inform me of my actual rights would be better than me just cowering away, assuming the worst.

If Blind Gary was here right now as I think about this, I'd punch him until he bled. I don't care if he's blind. I'll put a bell on my wrist so he can hear it coming. I'd punch him repeatedly. It's what I'd do for anyone else, so I guess it's part of having an Equal Opportunity attitude. His poor little guide dog would probably be cheering and egging me on anyway.

If everyone else is crazy, I thought I might just jump on the bangwagon and take up an evening position that work is offering, 5 - 8.30pm Mon - Fri for a few months for extra cash. It better be good cash, considering how the tax rate is going to jump.

Wow, yet another post entirely about work. FUCK. That makes me angry.

Gee, I wonder why. Maybe because my life has become incredibly boring, lonely and uneventful. Whatever, fuck people.

Oh, and the title of this post? That's just what I heard on the TV just now, as I sit at home on a Saturday night because I have no fucking money left to go out.

I'm a violent monster, lock me up

I beat my wife.

I beat him for not getting me a drink quick enough. I beat him for making the same boring dinner all the time. I beat him for not agreeing with me.

Look, here's the evidence:

I miss her

One of my best mates ever, Alex, went overseas about a year and a half ago. We've been mates since Year 8. We've spent entire weeks in the summer holidays just going around doing our usual summer holiday stuff together. We'd spend months apart. Either way, nothing much changed.

Anyway, she has a FagSpace (fuck, I just realised how many times FagSpace gets mentioned and linked to in my blog... I'm supporting the whore), and recently she put some of her songs up. See, she went to Canada, then Europe and is currently in Ireland for her singing career. Hearing her voice is weird... it still sounds so familiar but it's made me remember a lot. It's made me feel really sad about the fact I'll probably never see her again.

No, I don't give a shit at all about how soppy this crap sounds. I really don't. Maybe sometimes I'm allowed to stop ranting about the fucking bourgeois, or making lame jokes about petty petty things. Maybe sometimes I am a person and not a caricature of myself. Oh fuck, now I'm just another emo blogging cunt. So much for the caricature thing. Shit.

I don't think I have any of the same level of friendship as I used to have with people like Alex. It wasn't just her. It was a few people. And this is just making me remember the past and realise what I've fucked up. So many people have moved on to bigger and better adventures, or just don't know me anymore. When I say "I miss her", it's really a whole collection of random people I miss, male and female.

In fact, it's more the old me and my old life that I miss. Not that other people don't matter to me, but if I'm to be honest about what it is that makes me miss them, it's not really their voice, or their jokes or whatever, but the things I did with them and the person I was with them. Having people who are important to you and to whom you are equally important. Knowing that people would notice in less than a day if you'd died in your attic. When losing your phone for 3 days leaves you with more than 2 missed calls and 1 SMS.
Free drugs.

OK just kidding about the drugs. But that is a perk too.

I think that's why I'm a really fucking nasty bitter misanthropic shithead now. I'm not that close to people anymore. I don't speak to people for weeks. A couple of people I would say I was as close to as with Alex these days make me feel sort of annoyed when they talk about trivial things and I get pissed off if they ask questions about my private life. Some people I stopped talking to when I was at Ryde in my little year-long drughole - boy do I know now how much happens in just one year. To their credit, a few of them made a fair effort to keep me as a friend, but it's pretty frustrating to do so when the other person is oblivious and completely unappreciative. They all might still be in the country, but they're worlds away from me nonetheless.

It's supposed to be some shame to admit you have regrets. Fuck that. I have regrets. If I could go back 5 years, change everything that's happened but have no memory of my alternate future, I'd do it in a heart beat.



Well, this is awkward.

Um... ah... I hate... traffic lights... or something...